With a title like How Not To Marry a Jerk John VanEpp’s book certainly makes for an interesting read. The most obvious question: ‘what is a jerk?’
VanEpp gives several criteria. Jerks — we will use his term — regularly break boundaries. They fail to understand the boundaries of appropriateness in a relationship. They feel entitled to cross your boundaries and yet they become defensive about their own. Jerks are also unable to see anything from someone else’s perspective. They fail to understand their partner and, therefore, fail to be part of an authentic relationship. Jerks are also emotionally out of balance. They are unable to express their emotions reasonably. They are either emotionally flat or emotionally boisterous, but either way they react inappropriately.
No one sets out to marry or date a jerk; it is often only with time that we come to understand our partner. VanEpp has given a picture to how our relationships develop over time. He calls it RAM (Relationship Attachment Model). Below is the graph: Not Available
The idea of the graph is simple. A relationship is healthy if the bars on the left are higher than those on the right. That is to say, you should always know someone more than you trust them. You should always trust someone more than you rely upon them. You should always rely on someone more than your level of commitment. Finally, your level of commitment should always be higher than your level of touch. If you follow this pattern, you will have a ‘safe’ relationship and it is unlikely you will be snookered into marrying a jerk. It seems obvious enough, but RAM has a way of putting truth into a helpful graphic.
Let’s take a look at these five portions of the RAM. First, we want to get to know our significant others. We therefore scrutinize them, but according to VanEpp, “the irony of our scrutinizing is that most people conclude within a relatively short time that they really know the other person, and, consequently, they shut their investigative eyes. Yet the most significant patterns that influence long-term relationships are not even evident in the early stages of a dating relationship. Time is needed to expose these areas and accurately predict what these patterns mean for a future marriage and family” (54).
To really know someone you have to follow this formula: I=T+T+T, which means “intimacy equals talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus togetherness (diversified experiences) plus time” (58). Talking is the art of sharing your internal world with someone else. Obviously, you want to find someone who understands you. This is accomplished by the art of listening. However, as we know, words and deeds are different animals. Therefore, it is important to engage in activities together to see if the walk matches the talk. It is most important to give yourself time to see if this person truly is trustworthy.
It takes time to develop intimacy and although we don’t want to lock ourselves into hard and fast timelines, VanEpp suggests that three months is an important milestone. At about three months, the newness of the relationship begins to wear off and annoying and jerk-like habits begin to emerge.
Chemistry, complementarity, and comparability are also important aspects of getting to know someone. Some relationships start with a spark and then develop into something more. Others start as a friendship and the spark comes later. While chemistry is important, we must remember that it comes and goes. Complementarity is what the Bible describes as “iron sharpening iron.” You should be changed by your relationship with this individual. Hopefully ,their strengths complement your weaknesses and vice-versa. Finally, you need to see how you compare with this individual. Are you emotionally on the same page, do you think in a similar manner, do you share a sense of humor, and do you share similar values regarding family, religion, and finances? Obviously, these don’t need to be identical, but you need to recognize these factors— and see them displayed over time— to know your partner well.
Getting to know someone, however, is not as easy as it first appears. Everyone has different skills for building and maintaining relationships. The first such skill is self-disclosure. While some people are naturally gifted at sharing their heart, it is a necessary skill to master if one is to be involved in an authentic relationship. Another communication skill is empathy, which is being attuned to the other person’s thoughts and needs. Since conflict is a necessary and not altogether negative part of relationships, you should be aware of how your partner handles conflict. This is not to say your partner must handle conflict perfectly; rather, you must ask if your partner has the tools to push in the direction of conflict resolution. In addition, an assertive but humble attitude is necessary for good communication. You must be willing to say what you think and have enough respect for your partner to hear their opinion.
You might think you know your partner at this point, but there is much more to consider. You need to see how your partner interacts and has interacted with three groups of people: peripheral others, meaningful others, and romantic others. The peripheral others are strangers. Is your partner rude to the waiter? Do they treat strangers with empathy? At times— especially at trying times— your partner will treat you in the same way they treat these strangers.
How does your partner interact with close relationships like their friends? They will likely treat you in similar ways. If they have a lot of petty conflicts with most of their close friends and family members, there is a good chance they will have petty conflicts with you. The message here is simple: in time, you will be treated in the same way your partner treats other close friends and family. If they are negligent to their family responsibilities, unapologetic to friends, constantly angry, and overly dependent, in time you will be treated in the same manner.
While these peripheral and close relationships are important, it is also necessary to look at ex-boyfriends/girlfriends. VanEpp gives some helpful sleuthing advice when it comes to finding out about ex-relationships. First, he tells us to postpone conclusions until all is known. Don’t jump to conclusions about this person based on a little bit of information about ex-relationships. People change quite a bit. Second, the more we know the better. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or offer your own insights from your own former relationships. You can either learn from or repeat mistakes. Third, look at the person from the perspective of others. It is helpful to listen to the perspective of friends and family regarding the relationship. And, finally, test your theories. Watch for signs of repeated patterns. Some patterns, such as empathy and care, will be good and some, such
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as the need for control, will be bad. Try to determine which patterns drive you nuts and which bless you.
While you need to understand your partner’s relationships, you also need to understand his or her relations, that is to say their family. The old adage that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree is quite helpful when trying to understand your partner. If your partner’s family is close, they are expecting that you and they will be close. You also want to understand the roles of the family. What was your partner’s father like? What about the mother? These are the roles they will take into your marriage.
Finally, you want to understand your partner’s conscience. Obviously, this takes time. Even if your partner is a wonderful communicator, it is a moot point if they have no regard for your feelings. Everyone’s conscience is different. Some of us have a harsh conscience, some of us seem to have very little in the way of an internal censor. You should strive to have a healthy conscience—one that holds you accountable but doesn’t cause a spiral of anxiety—and you should seek out a partner with a similar conscience. You don’t want to wind up being your partner’s conscience.
According to VanEpp, that is what it takes to get to know your partner. The more you know someone the more you can trust them. Some folks are overly trusting. They trust too early. They believe what they want to believe about their partner and most often they are fooled. Other folks find it too hard to trust someone.
So how do we know if we can trust someone? Well, we have to get to know them. According to VanEpp, we want to know if they are mature, adaptable, responsible, relational, insightful, assertive, giving, and emotionally stable. These are the characteristics that engender trust.
As trust develops, we find it more natural to rely on others. We want to know if our partner will embrace our needs and care for us as we desire to care for them. Having one’s needs met and meeting the needs of someone helps bond the couple together. VanEpp suggests thinking about reliance in terms of the acronym IRA. This IRA account is not for retirement however. It stands for investment, reciprocity, and accumulation. You invest by opening up about something. You then wait for your partner to reciprocate by sharing with you. Over time you accumulate experiences that help you rely on your partner.
As reliance grows, it is safe to commit more deeply to the relationship. Some of us commit way too soon and others are too hesitant to commit. Over time the couple develops a “we” attitude and they start to think of themselves as a unit. If the couple takes the time to get to know each other, to trust each other, and learns to rely on each other, this will seem like a natural step. Christians would agree that there is something about the commitment of marriage that helps to keep the relationship intact. By committing your lives to each other you create a bond that keeps you together even when you feel like you are coming apart.
Finally, VanEpp focuses on touch. He argues that touch is appropriate for the level of commitment. If you engage in too much physical touch before you reach a certain level of commitment it confuses the relationship.
VanEpp’s book is a helpful guide to relationships. I wish I had read it earlier in life. It has a way of demystifying the mysterious world of interpersonal relationships. If you found his ideas useful, please implement them and encourage others to do likewise. I would also encourage you to read the book. It is not written from a Christian perspective, but there is much in it with which Christians can agree. Hopefully, this summary will serve you well in your current relationship or any relationship you are pondering.